I don’t know why I never thought of it until then. sitting in the dark in your car talking. Exactly that; with words that just feel inadequate and inefficient for what needs to be said. Words are only symbolic representations of that true intangible truth. Like the enlightenment of buddha, no words can express it. So I find myself doing that often and trying to create words that do not exist, words I have no idea how to address. Did you create that in me? Is there a language I have forgotten? 

I can feel it in you and I know. I know the words are hard and it feels like concert at times. You fill your pockets with rocks and they only build up a heavy burden on yourself. Look them over, evaluate them and analyze them to your hearts content. But when all has been done, put them down. Find a home for them. I do not ask you to throw them away, I am not even asking you out of my own desire, I ask because I see it in you and recognize it; that it is something you will have to face eventually. Why not now? Before the hurdle gets too big. Find where they belong, do it for yourself.

So here I am. I am trying a new approach to the language of words. I hope that instead of wracking my brain over the right words that clearly do not exist, that perhaps if I continue to purge these thoughts, I might be able to talk myself around them. That you might pick it up without me having to say so. Because even though we know; we need the validation. I believe eventually it wont be necessary, that this is a temporary solution and my efforts to build a half way mark.

I have been bitting my tongue and swallowing thoughts for months. And I hate it. You know me well enough to know that communication just might be the most important thing for me in finding ground and stability. Fuck being a taurus sometimes. But I knew that it wasn’t for me to bring up. No. Because I knew it was yours, and I could not do it for you. I thank you because I can only guess at how much it takes to bring out the rocks and put them down. You are your own person and you make your own choices for your life because no one else should. You cannot build stability without rooting yourself first and I have been practicing with myself to be consciously aware of that at all times in me, and in you.

I believe there is a falsity in how relations are perceived and expected to be by social normative. Walling myself out of defense and to be honest that has been my jump to overcome. I think I had the easy way out, because I did not see it coming. I had been trying to break it but I saw no way around the prison I had built for myself. When it happened, it hit me at a million miles an hour. It’s funny how when you stop thinking about it or your not expecting it, is when it happens.

Another day. It smelled nor looked any different. The atmosphere was intoxicated by the thick oder of tension, heat and expulsion you held me too you, with its rhythm. My mind was racing and I was not in control of it, something was running without a light and before I could stop it I hit the wall. It was no longer the smell of tension, it was the smell of we. I could no longer feel you as a presence to my body but that against law of nature we occupied the same space. The faster it came the faster we went the more I hit that wall. The power and energy surged my system and rewired something inside myself. There was no return and for my stubborn streak and hate of change even when in good intention, was overridden. 

It came so fast that before I registered the shift my response was to break down. I cried to my own amazement and it thickened with the euphoria of the rhythm. A guttural response to something I did not know I had the capacity to hold. That was the day I recognized what you were to me. What I had already been doing subconsciously. I can not tell you the exact point in time it became that way but as I lay in your arms looking at the concern in your eyes did I finally see it. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I have never felt so close to another person as I did with you. For whatever reason I had built my security wall, you found the way in. 

But you always had been haven’t you? You had always been there and from day one you were inside my space. It was as if you were unaffected by all the preparation and time put into my defenses. I was angry and couldn’t understand how you managed to do that. You were growing slowly and I could not shake you. I did not want anyone to have the ability to alter or change me. I do not take kindly to being tied down or manipulation. I fought hard. I refused to look at it as for what it was. I only saw a threat and attack on my world. I told you this, you knew this. There was fear. I did not know.

In a summer of swimming blind and haphazardly I caught myself in mid spin and put the bottles down. I breathed in the invitation of air, replacing the intoxication. I regained my mobility and felt myself being pulled. I have never been a true believer in fate or collective unconsciousness until my seven years of camp. When I came home that pull grew stronger. Aware of its intention I listened to it. I spent a lot of time in that heat picking myself apart and opening dirty cuts to clean and re heal them properly. I analyzed the parts of me I had neglected and cleaned the dark corners until I was positive I knew myself inwardly as much as I did outwardly. I do not say that I have figured it all out but I know where it all belongs and know how to navigate it. Organized, I kept coming back to the same thing again and again; it was this gnarly root that wouldn’t pry loose and stead fast among the order I had made in the chaos. With room to evaluate its complexity I realized I had been fighting something that had no reason to be fought. There was no threat. There was no danger. But I could not make sense of it.The pull intrigued me, invited me to follow. I found myself reconnecting myself to you that day.

That thin connection has been growing. You can feel it too. I know you do. I’m in your head? Well I’m telling you, you put yourself in mine long before. I only came back to reinforce it. I can’t believe I am saying this but I think I can hear you inside myself at times. It has taken someone time and practice much like meditation to not try too hard (to allow the thoughts to flow on their own. Like not expecting it in order for it to function.) Is this fucking telepathy? Am I loosing my mind? Are we loosing our minds? Has the laws of physics become lost when that connection begins to pulse when I am next to you? I don’t know but I believe in it. You might say I have faith and trust in its abilities. I have faith and trust in you.

  The other day the rocks sat heavy, and your aura was like lead. I bit and I swallowed. I was not about to take that from you. It surprised me when you turned tails and went home; the roots in my head were screaming and I began to panic. It twisted violently and it was out of control. I was lost, I called on impulse, you had to work something out, I felt the rocks. You did not have to say anything more. I understood what it was. And I had to let you do this completely on your own. I want to support you in anything you do but for this, I would have to wait. So as crazy as it sounds I spent some time pulling myself out of your head. I forced myself to stop the connection. I had completely no idea what was going to happen. Blind.

One of your strengths is your intuition. You will do what you know is best for you. I apologize for the atmosphere that night in the rain yesterday. I hope it makes sense now as to why that was. I find it funny you continued to ask me where I was. Head to head. Way to be discreet. The pulse started up again. The roots were breathing. 

You put down rocks today. I saw it. It did not surprise me that you did, last night told me it was coming. What I couldn’t tell was what you had decided and truthfully that was the only thing that caught me off guard. From the point I cried to the point you took that purge, there was preparation in allowing you to walk away, for me to be what you need me to be. There was no wall for me anymore and that was excepted. I was ready to embrace a choice I may not agree with or want; because it was yours. 

Those three words are not said for granted.

I give you my honesty.

I give you my word.

Call on me when you need it. 

I am angry. It is no longer the elephant in the room and with it went my anger. For any other person I would have left and not looked back or think twice. If anyone else I would have gone teeth to teeth with him. Maybe its my stubborn taurus pride that refuses me to be walked over. Without my wall its different but I say it now that I am serious and will stand my ground. You want me to go with you but I will not be another lap dog. I am not a tissue. I am currently trying to find a place for these emotions, to put it down. That is where I am right now. I know I trust you but nothing is always stable. There will be unsure footings. We are not always going to be happy or on good terms with each other. We will fight, we will get in arguments. That happens and cannot be avoided. But I vow to work through them with you and not ignore them as long as you meet me in the middle. To attack the problem and not the person. To maintain it and keep working at it.

  I hold you to this if you decide to take it on. If you want the “us”  then we have to work together. In the end this is not about what you told me. This is about something pivotal; that together and apart we continue to balance out being ourselves and being together. To the future of uncertainty I cannot predict the weather. We may find our paths in different directions. Except it as a possibility. I do not believe in this possibility  personally but I recognize it. I am not afraid. I want you to know all of this. I understand that fear that I installed. It is not like me ever to do this but to all odds it happened. 

Truly without doubt,

yours.