It could be spring fever, but maybe I’m giving all this an excuse. I can’t get myself to hold still and I’m stumbling and falling over my feat but still running. The whole time it’s exhilarating really, and I fear if I stop now I will fall. That the only way to finally get through that hurdle is to keep running at it and attacking it. I don’t want you to think it’s a pressure, because thats not what I’m experiencing. There is definite influence but to where it’s spurring me to act on what has already been there. Really you are bringing out the words in me I do not want to listen to and giving inspiration to move. What am I waiting for? Where am I going? Why the fuck am I not as scared to do something so drastic? I hate change, everyone who knows me knows I dislike change but here I am running. 

I need to breath and feel a direction, I am so sick of the mud I have been wading in, surrounded in my own filth and putting up with its smell, ignoring peoples discomfort. So without further hesitation its time to put down the “what ifs” and just do. If the direction and path doesn’t work than pick another, try something new, go backwards. It’s comical of how much self sabotage I have done to myself and all for a crippling fear of moving and changing something that is black and ugly; just to keep its familiarity. Its time for new scenery and a new playing field. My hopes is that by taking all familiarity and common ground that I can force myself to switch into a new path without having to fight my compulsion to hold on to the garbage. I can’t rely on my habits and tools because they are insufficient to do the job at hand. I have been trying to fix problems with the tools I have when ultimately I just needed different tools. Give me fresh light and let me trip till I run. I can handle bumps because I have faith I will get there, i’m just going to have to remember its not all written in ink. 

There is no flow right now and I cant seem to connect anything articulately but I have to get the shit out of my head. I am catching myself with irrational behaviors. How well do I really know myself? Have I been lying to myself and feeding myself the same rancid food? Pretending and hiding what I know but don’t want to look at. Like I said you bring a lot out of me, the good and the bad. It’s pulling me inside out like you are pulling out my subconscious through my throat with my best efforts to stop you. I am sorry if not all of it appeals to you, I expect not all of it will because I certainly do not get along with most of it myself. 

Gotta pull it all apart and look at it before you put it back right? Maybe this is all bullshit. Maybe by tomorrow it will be vomit and unrelated to the truth, but it’s a pull in the direction I want to go I’m sure. 

A lot of this is really for the fact that I am feeling very insecure of my footing right now, that pushing myself to deep waters is frightening but exhilarating. The kid in me is coming out and I feel for the first time at this moment my age. Everything has no set rules to it and spontaneity is favored. I just need to move. Teach me to board, I wanna trip over my feet. Let’s jump in a river frighteningly cold, feel the skin on our backs crawl. Put books in my hands, make myself run till my lungs burn and I can taste the iron in my blood right through the pallet of my mouth. Something I haven’t done or seen or tasted or tried I want it all. Oh the imperfect perfectionist has been a fool.